i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
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I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
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I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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