debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
