No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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