We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
