we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So here I am, sexting at work.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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