also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
