Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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