Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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