I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
