It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
