we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
