he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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