mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
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Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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