Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
