somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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