I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
