i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
