How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
