Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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