Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
