I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
