I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
