Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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