Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
