Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
