I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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