I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
