Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
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Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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