thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
