I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
