Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm getting married
To pizza
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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