My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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