we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
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I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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