this boner is exhausting
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
