my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
