woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
