Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Can you bring me the toilet please
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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