You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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