I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
