I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Alive.
So much puke
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
