Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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