I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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