Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
