I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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