One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm just crazy horny about you
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
