Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
