I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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