I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
