Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
