Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
