I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Panties = found
Randomize
