I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
