So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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