Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So apparently I’m into choking now
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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