Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
