This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
