Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
