i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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