and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
